The grass is less green on the other side

Tales of unrequited love were always foreign to me. More often that not, I would be the culprit. And as such, I didn't even realise until too late. Or maybe I didn't care. Or just maybe I thought that things would be better this way. I guess karma has gotten back at me. I didn't use to believe in karma until now. For me, karma is the explanation given when everything else doesn't make sense.

For months now I have been trying my utmost to understand. Everything from books to others' experiences. I believe I must be an expert by now. But strangely, when things hit this close to home, feelings get in the way. No longer do I have that cold steely ability to differentiate between fending for myself and caring for others. I tried so hard to understand how I could be the one you love and yet, the bane of your torture. I guess that is what tore me apart. The feeling of how you want to help someone you love so much but she won't even look at you. Not even a glimpse.

Some of those around me wonder why I'm so affected. Well, I can't stress enough how much she means to me. This isn't just a foolish love. Its waters run much deeper than that. I can't just simply forget what happened. I could however forgive. But not forget.

Everynight I lie in bed and wonder what I could do. Whether there was anything I should be doing. Any way possible to help. Not just so that she'd be with me, but more importantly, I just wanted to make her better again. I know I'm not the only one who wants that for her. I'm glad that she has the friends that she does. People like that do make a difference. I would do anything to ease her pain. If only I knew what it was.

Now all I can do is take solace in loving her from afar. Unrequited love can be painful at first. But when the smoke subsides and everything dies down, then your true feelings will be known.

I have no doubts about how long I will love her. It just cannot be explained. Forever is a true possibility.

Honestly, I've tried to forget her. Tried to stop loving her. But the only thing that happened was the opposite. I guess love has no boundaries for me.

Like how I told her a few nights' ago, I know what I must do. For it is the only thing I haven't tried. If you really love someone, you've gotta let them go. If they come back to you, you'd know it was meant to be. Personally I don't believe in that. But what choice do I have?

I never have and will never force her to do anything.

This may well be where our journey reaches a fork in the road my dear. I just hope we meet somewhere in the middle again.

Now here's a cheesy favourite of mine to explain how I feel. Heh. Pretty much explains it all.

She's always on my mind
From the time I wake till
I close my eyes
She's everywhere I go
She's all I know

And though she's far away
It just keeps gettin stronger everyday
And even now she's gone
I'm still holding on
So tell me where do I start
Cause it's breaking my heart
Don't wanna let her go

Maybe my love will come
Back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and
Pray 'cause heaven knows

My friends keep tellin me
That if you really love her
You've gotta set her free
And if she returns in kind
I know she's mine

So tell me where do I start
Cause it breaking my heart
Don't wanna let her go
Maybe my love will come
Back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and
Pray 'cause heaven knows

Why I live in despair'
Cause wide oway or
Dreaming I know she's never there
And all this time I act so brave
I'm shaking inside
Why it does hurt me so

Rick Price - Heaven Knows

P.S. Another appointment tomorrow, sob.