Inner Sanctuary

Hey Timbo! Happy birthday! No I didnt forget. Hope you have an unforgettable one with Rach!

Somehow my cash-flow problem has improved and it feels good! Looks like my year trips will be materialising after all.

I'm sure some of you out there wonder if there's another person out there who is almost exactly like you. I think I've found a female version of me. Haha. Quite funny actually. But from first impressions, I was quite shocked. Me and my big ego thought that there would only be one of me. But now I know what a female version of me would be like. Very very interesting indeed.

I hope I find a big tree tomorrow at sentosa. I have an aversion to the sun due to various vain reasons.

On a totally random note, how many people deliberately play mind games with the opposite sex? But I guess 'The Chase' would not be half as interesting without such mind games. Maybe it has evolved as part of the whole modern courtship process. Or maybe we're just too smart for our good and making things too complicated.

And as I poised myself to say goodbye, I could tell that she was holding something back. Maybe I will find out in the coming weeks. This opportunity is too good to pass up. But sadly, I'm in no condition to do anything. Only time will tell.

P.S. How's everyone doing? Keep in touch!

Power

The power to create.
The power to destroy.
The power to leave well alone.

It's nice to have power. Even nicer to control it. But power in the wrong hands will always be dangerous. Especially when all our lives intertwine so much.

Currently I live by the power to create and the power to leave well alone.

The power to destroy calls to me constantly. Maybe one day I will heed its call. Till then I will just remain sane and pretend to be good. Pretend till the shit hits the fan.

Was walking around today and realised how many fat people there were. I reckon obesity is fast engulfing the world. Both genders are guilty of course. I blame it on the food. And pure laziness. Or maybe even stupidity in not realising how obesity would get them killed quicker. Oh well, to each his own.

A friend of mine and I were having a debate about 'fat sluts' and their agendas. Do women have an equivalent term for guys? I wonder. Anyway, we were talking about how they threw themselves at guys. I mean, even if that's the only way they can get some, should they be doing it? Oh well, to each his own.

And as the angel left her side, he waved goodbye one last time. He wasn't going to be part of this anymore. The devil smiled. One more ticket to hell. One-way.

The grass is less green on the other side

Tales of unrequited love were always foreign to me. More often that not, I would be the culprit. And as such, I didn't even realise until too late. Or maybe I didn't care. Or just maybe I thought that things would be better this way. I guess karma has gotten back at me. I didn't use to believe in karma until now. For me, karma is the explanation given when everything else doesn't make sense.

For months now I have been trying my utmost to understand. Everything from books to others' experiences. I believe I must be an expert by now. But strangely, when things hit this close to home, feelings get in the way. No longer do I have that cold steely ability to differentiate between fending for myself and caring for others. I tried so hard to understand how I could be the one you love and yet, the bane of your torture. I guess that is what tore me apart. The feeling of how you want to help someone you love so much but she won't even look at you. Not even a glimpse.

Some of those around me wonder why I'm so affected. Well, I can't stress enough how much she means to me. This isn't just a foolish love. Its waters run much deeper than that. I can't just simply forget what happened. I could however forgive. But not forget.

Everynight I lie in bed and wonder what I could do. Whether there was anything I should be doing. Any way possible to help. Not just so that she'd be with me, but more importantly, I just wanted to make her better again. I know I'm not the only one who wants that for her. I'm glad that she has the friends that she does. People like that do make a difference. I would do anything to ease her pain. If only I knew what it was.

Now all I can do is take solace in loving her from afar. Unrequited love can be painful at first. But when the smoke subsides and everything dies down, then your true feelings will be known.

I have no doubts about how long I will love her. It just cannot be explained. Forever is a true possibility.

Honestly, I've tried to forget her. Tried to stop loving her. But the only thing that happened was the opposite. I guess love has no boundaries for me.

Like how I told her a few nights' ago, I know what I must do. For it is the only thing I haven't tried. If you really love someone, you've gotta let them go. If they come back to you, you'd know it was meant to be. Personally I don't believe in that. But what choice do I have?

I never have and will never force her to do anything.

This may well be where our journey reaches a fork in the road my dear. I just hope we meet somewhere in the middle again.

Now here's a cheesy favourite of mine to explain how I feel. Heh. Pretty much explains it all.

She's always on my mind
From the time I wake till
I close my eyes
She's everywhere I go
She's all I know

And though she's far away
It just keeps gettin stronger everyday
And even now she's gone
I'm still holding on
So tell me where do I start
Cause it's breaking my heart
Don't wanna let her go

Maybe my love will come
Back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and
Pray 'cause heaven knows

My friends keep tellin me
That if you really love her
You've gotta set her free
And if she returns in kind
I know she's mine

So tell me where do I start
Cause it breaking my heart
Don't wanna let her go
Maybe my love will come
Back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and
Pray 'cause heaven knows

Why I live in despair'
Cause wide oway or
Dreaming I know she's never there
And all this time I act so brave
I'm shaking inside
Why it does hurt me so

Rick Price - Heaven Knows

P.S. Another appointment tomorrow, sob.

Best surprise!

Was supposed to bum around aimlessly yesterday.
But out of the blue, I was informed I had to attend the ColdPlay concert.
At first I was in disbelief.
But sure enough there we were on our way to ColdPlay.
Best surprise ever, bro. I'll never ever forget it.
Kudos to Andrea too.

While I did love ColdPlay, I must admit I didn't know all their songs. You know, only the popular ones. But by the end of the night, I was won over totally. Best concert I've ever been to in my life. I'm sure all those who went will agree. They were so friendly, humble and yet had a playful air about them. Finally! A band who sounded good in real life. Everything was perfect. I couldn't have asked for anything more. I was literally floating in the air. For one and a half hours, I was in a state of nirvana.

For a while, I forgot my troubles.

I'd just like to know for one last time, how it'll be like to hold you. To smell your hair once more. To call you baboo. To tell you, I love you. And to look into the eyes of the love of my life. It's all I constantly think about.

Some might call this a sign of weakness. I call it being human.

Nothing could ever compare to you baby. Nothing.


When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below
when you're too in love to let it go
If you never try you'll never know
Just what your worth

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears streaming down your face and I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

- Fix You, ColdPlay

Metamorphosis

Tonight I changed.
Changed into the monster I had to become to endure this amount of torture and pain.
My eyes turned blood red.
My heart turned jet black.
Vile green liquid now courses through my frigid veins.
And I had transformed into my own avatar of vengeance.
My hardened skin pushed out the proverbial knife in my back.
Leaving a scar that would forever be a constant reminder.
I bite my lip to make sure I don't feel pain anymore. I don't.
Now my mind, removed of any guilt and remorse, conceptualizes a plan.
I climb upside down on my ceiling. Notice how the laws of gravity no longer affect me, just like how I have deserted my own human nature.
I smile with my jagged teeth at the ease of your potential pain.
I breathe out heavily. It didn't have to come to this. But you have forced the issue.
I chuckle at the last remnant of my conscience.
It wont be there for long.
I blend into the night, with only one thing on my mind.
First blood has been drawn.
But it is not I who will be bled dry.


Lies, Deceit and Hypocrisy.

Those are the traits I would carve on your gravestone.
Too many nights have been spent trying to decipher your false words.
Too many nights I have been seduced by a siren, like the sailors that have been led to their watery graves.
Too long have I laid my bare heart on the stainless steel table, only for it to be sliced apart, over and over again.
Where once stood my queen, stands her ghost.
A vile, subverted version of her.
Tongue of poison, eyes that glimmer like a shark.
Your ghost shall be exorcised, your time has run out.
Be gone, vile serpent. Your end will mirror mine.

I am the Avatar of Vengeance.
You reap what you sow.

No time to think

So many things to do, so little time.
Another goddamn deadline tomorrow.
Finding it hard to concentrate too.
Too many things on my mind.

I can't deal with so many things at the same time.
One thing at a time, and I wont fall apart.
It's the only way I can handle things now.
Taken to drinking at least 3 shots a day.
Keeps me on my toes.

I hope Italy wins tonight. I dont like either team, but I hate germany more.
Back to work I go.
I wish I was on an isolated island with my laptop.
Sometimes I wonder if I've begun to hear voices in my head.

P.S. My heartfelt condolences go out to Jeff.

Elimination

Portugal triumphs, but of course, it is because I support them.
Strange how exes seem to want to contact me more than others I expect to.
France eliminates a lacklustre Brazil, which just proves to everyone: nothing is certain, no matter how perfect it is. Heh.

I've gone out to drink more than I should. Less than my body can take. But more than is advised. Perhaps I know how significant today is. It's been so long since I had a deliberate reason to drink.

So many times I've been asked today, "What time is she coming back?"
7 different people, 12 different times.
My head feels like exploding.
I don't know. I don't fucking know. Stop asking me. STOP!
I regret lashing out at those I love, just because I don't know. Sorry.

I will live these next two weeks in the solace of silence and denial.
And I have every right to.
To do this to me is simply too much.
Those with bias will just simply be blinded.
But not for long of course.
The truth is there for all to see.

I am real.
I am true.
And my love for you does not just vanish on demand.
This is the stuff that dreams are made of.
I cannot be forgotten.
I will not be forgotten.
Just like how it is impossible to forget you.
Every single day, I remember.
I remember when the 'I love yous' were real.
I remember.

Maybe you should just kill me.
Then no one will suffer.
No one will remember.
And you can pretend your life is normal again.
How far has pretending got you?
It won't get you anywhere.

Deny all you want.

But I am your love.

Love, me.

Goodbye Cruel World

I cant take it anymore.
I feel there's no hope.
My future is a minefield.
I've given up.

KIDDING!

I'm going out tonight! Go portugal! Go! Viva la Portugal!

Goodbye cruel world!

I've gone mad!

-Edit- I've had 10 tequila shots in 15 mins! =))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Much ado about nothing

I'm guilty of not blogging! Things have been pretty busy recently. I dont even know where to begin. Well let's see I screwed up on one of my assignments and so I'm desperately working hard on the rest. World Cup's been pretty awesome actually with my portugal going through! Yeah! Unplanned clubbing nights have and always been interesting for me. The stuff that happens, unpredictable! Why I always attract the fat ones, I will never have a clue. Maybe someone can fill me in?

The first half of the year has been the worst of my life whatever way I look at it, but finally fate is paying me back. So many opportunities, so little time. I am starting to have faith in these next 6 months, seeing how I never deserved the way fate dealt me such a horrid hand. Lots of birthdays and clubbing events to look forward to, hopefully it'll set me back to a path of happiness. My patience and understanding of everyone I love will never wane, even though it's been put to the sword recently. I firmly believe that just because someone screws with you, it doesnt mean you have to be any less to others. It's just unfair, and unfair I will not be.

Poor Aussie got knocked out yesterday but that's the way soccer is, the ball is round. I'm sure both Italy's and Australia's respective fans will feel that their team would deserve to go through. But that's the excitement of soccer. Its unpredictability breeds addiction.

You reap what you sow. Be warned that your actions will always inevitably come back to you somehow. I wish I could still curse those that do me wrong, but I've learned that I dont have to. Life will get you, of that I have no doubt. Just like how things can fall into place, karma will fuck you over just when you think things are going great. Dont ask me how, I know it will.

In another life, I sometimes imagine I'd be a knight. Riding and ruling justly. Saving a fair maiden and having smelly and primal activities. Haha. Back then, chivalry and honour was respected. Now it just gives way to money. It doesnt apply to everyone of course. Just to
some of you sad sad souls out there. I appreciate those around me who have such character, and damn those who have taken advantage of mine to a life of misery and regret. Trust me, it'll come.

Have to go get some good dinner tonight then group discussions beckon. I hope spain wins tonight. You have my monetary support! Haha.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Miraculously I have been deferred from reservist without having to do a thing. Elated, I am. Also, I have been given a clean bill of health for the year at least, which I'm happy about. The doc's put me on some cocktail, to my dismay. Never been a fan of drugs. Fortunately I persuaded him to give me a minimal dose. Havent smoked in a month and dont plan to start again, ever. Been working out, eating the right foods and looking better! Haha time to eat some humble pie. Damn, I'm hungry. Hungry for a delicious piece of life =)

Cancel

I've got 9 hours to my deadline for my 2000-word assigment (only written about 300 so far). And strangely I've been afflicted with a strange curse to blog during this stressful time. And yes, I'm coming back from my supposed absence. I've been feeling very disconnected lately. Disconnected from myself, from everyone else. It's like I'm watching myself from a 3rd person's view and I'm powerless to do anything. Maybe it's got to do with my frustrating sleeping habits. From my calculations it's a continuous cycle of being awake for 40 hours and sleeping for 8 hours. Doesnt take a genius to tell that it's unhealthy. Heh. Due to this, I've been watching a lot of channel news asia in the early morning. And I like it! More news than just reading the papers.

I've been thinking about writing a book for quite some time now. Gasp? It's always been a secret fantasy for me to be a mysterious writer. But writing in Singapore's environment, takes a special kind of mental steel. That's my opinion anyway. I'm excited for July to come. Because it'll mean I would completed all my assignments already. The SGH appointment on the 20th would be over too. It seems like over the course of the next 30 days, many things will be clarified, for better or for worse.

Fucking reservist from July 3rd-6th. Haven't you SOBs taken enough of my life away from me? My son will not have to go through this shit. And yes I am pissed off only because it falls between the 1st-14th.

The 9th of July however is a very interesting day. It's the delightful one's birthday AND the world cup final. No conflict of interest there.

Had a heart-to-heart talk with Tim. Which is quite rare, because we'd like to think we were macho alpha-males. Strange how 2 men who were both away from their other halves could have an emotional conversation. The things missing someone can do to you. No BrokeBack please. Stumbled upon a few epiphanies though. Faith and confidence was restored somewhat in me. If I can't be strong, how can I expect anyone else to be?

Finding it hard to talk about my problems to anyone. Feels like everything is building up inside of me. I think it's the self-defence mechanism kicking in again. This mechanism is horrible. I know what it can do. It hurts people. Sigh. Or maybe I'm just fussy.

I've to embark on writing the most important letter of my life. Wish me luck.

I miss Solitaire Showdown. Only one person I've ever played it with. Heh.

I need to know
I need to know
Tell me baby girl, cos I need to know

Taking a break

Sorry I've been away, my small amount of readers. Ha.
Things have been getting quite bad but I dont feel comfortable talking about it to those who dont care. Lesson learnt!

I'll be taking a break from blogging till the 30th of June!
Why?
Because I'm drained and I need to take a break from something at least.
Also, certain circumstances prevent me from speaking my mind. Why do I still put others first? Nice guys do finish last, but that doesnt mean I'm gonna change =) Heh.

Should be taking a short hol somewhere between 1st-22nd july, after that school starts again. Need to sort out what I'm going to do during that time, so many things, so little time.

It's a sad sad world for a black black heart.
Friend, confidante and lover.
That's all I ever wished I could've been.

You give lust a bad name

I'd like to thank everyone around me who has stayed true and loyal to me, friends or otherwise. I shouldn't have to mention names cos you should know who you are, and if you're unsure you're probably not one of them. Even though I'm still a struggling student with little to my name, people who truly know me, know what I'm capable of. And I sure as hell am going to fulfill these expectations I have of myself. On that topic, I also know about those who were just in the shadows, pretending to care, thinking that I'd amount to nothing. I know who you are. The truth hurts though. Especially for one of these people. I thought she'd be the one who'd always support me unconditionally, but I've realised she's incapable of unconditional anything.

Talking to someone the other day, and giving advice like I always do, I told her not to stand for unreciprocrated love. In this day and age, something like that just tears you apart. So just let it go. The boyfriend/girlfriend will get their just desserts. Karma works in miraculous ways. Trust me, I know.

Career-wise it's looking quite exciting. I'm looking at opportunities in mainly dubai, australia and vietnam. Not in any particular order of course. Now let's see: been to canada, most south asian countries and australia. I wanna see the rest of the world. So it's a toss-up between doing honours, masters, etc and starting work and travelling. I prefer the latter. Now that I already know the kind of woman I want and need, countries and distances no longer have any bearing on my future. The world isn't that big. Distance can't destroy true love, only if it's true love though.

Places I'd realistically be able to travel to within the next 3 years: Australia, New Zealand, UK and Dubai.

Places I want to go to: Brazil, France, Italy and Hawaii. (Of which brazil is the most desirable)

Nothing's better than travelling with loved ones, so if anyone's itching for travelling, let me know ;)

Everybody changes and nothing stays the same

The only way I can go about describing today is through a chronological order. Woke up, prepared for buzzer's birthday at double o (yeah yeah same old). Wasn't feeling too well but decided to go anyway because I couldn't miss one of my bro's birthdays. Bought him a chocolate cake, which secretly I had hoped someone would get for my birthday. DEMANDING AH. Called Oli and then Jeff to explain my absence. Persuaded Oli to meet me. Told Jeff what was going on in my life and was assured that everything would be okay. His preaching is quite good man.

Went to double o, cake in hand, met up with the fellas. Was grimacing in pain but it got better as the night wore on. Starting the night off very slowly, as advised by doctors, drinking was at a minimal for me tonight. Hung out with everyone, annoyingly, noting how much of a sausage-fest it was becoming. Bleah. Made Buzzer offer me cake cos I am the King. The cake was gooood. Went to meet Arul and Oli at UE Square. An exchange of personal information regarding situations in our life started. We bared our souls, albeit over a can of beer. Glad that these are the only people I chose to be close with in school. Oli, Jeff and Arul, these were people with character and for that I will always respect them. I like to have few friends, hence, their selection is very strict. Oli looked so fragile and puny due to the shrinkage of her butt. Will the world ever recover? I don't know. Arul, you'll be alright, NS is just another phase of life, I'm confident you will become a better man out of it, even though at first it may be tough. Oli, if I didn't know better, I'd think you were ill, I miss your radiant personality, you deserve to be happy.

Went back to double o, the queue was a bitch with syphillis. Almost 45 mins to go back in. When we went in, it came to my attention buzzer had drunk at least 4 waterfalls and many other various drinks. He was standing, barely. Ray and Chai had joined the foray. The night turned into 'drunk mungen night'. Buzz was gone, so was seb. Fucking pissed off with the way buzzer's army mates bought him way too many drinks and got him so wasted. Not only that, they proceeded to slap him around and various other childish activities, like humping him and taking photos of it. How I wanted to step in and smash all their faces. Kanina nobody fucks around with one of my own. When I decided to step in, buzzer slapped me. Cheebye anyhow slap your hero. Buzz was damn drunk and he was saying and doing a lot of funny and dangerous shit. I got afraid he would get kicked out. One of these events was us bringing him to the toilet for him to puke. He promptly locked himself inside and proceeded to kick and punch the walls of the toilets. Then after that, he kept insisting the door was spoilt and that he couldnt get out. Even though it was apparent to all it wasn't unlocked. One of his friends climbed in and unlocked it from the inside as soon as he got in. Hilarious lah. I shall spare him the embarrassment by omitting all his other acts.

Highlight of the day: Some random girl going up to a drunk and listless buzzer and slapping him over and over again. CHAO CHEEBYE. Blood rushed to my head. Grabbed the girl and told her to fuck off, to put it nicely. I was so angry! Just because he's gone everyone thinks they can just fuck around with him? No fucking way. No one touches one of my own. Shortly after, I apologised because I rarely ever shout at women, if at all. I explained my anger and she laughed it off. No enemies were made. Still, I re-iterate, no one touches one of my own. I am fiercely protective.

The night ended as usual, all the attached guys standing together and making fun of the various freaky skanks. Where are all the good looking women? I know one is in melbourne. Your loss, Singapore. Then this tequila girl called Angie, and her friend spent about 5 mins trying to talk me into buying a shot. Now, I dunno how she even knows my name or me for that matter, but trying to get me to buy a shot for no good reason would be barking up the wrong tree. Perhaps if the missus was around. She told me she knows me so long already, why can't I just buy one? Well one reason would because this is the first time you've ever talked to me, considering that you call me an 'old friend'. And then trying to get me to buy one, so that they can drink it. For fuck? I was clearly amused since nothing they could say or offer me would ever even prod me in the direction of buying from them. Hilarious.

All in all it was fun, and buzz you shouldn't have to be sorry, we still had fun. Just hope you don't wake up with a throbbing headache.

I wish you were here. Almost everything I do seems incomplete, without the missing element, which is you. Selfishly, I'd sometimes wish that I could kidnap you. Realistically, just a whiff of your scent and a glimpse of your beautiful eyes should send me to the heavens. I miss you baboo and I love you even more.

Pain ah

For the benefit of those who wish to know what a colonoscopy is, here is a brief explanation:-
http://digestive.niddk.nih.gov/ddiseases/pubs/colonoscopy/

Curveballs

When life throws you a curveball, what do you do?

Getting depressed and resigned to fate is one option. The other option, which is somewhat harder, is to muster whatever strength and spirit is left to do something about it. I guess also when times are bad you know who will be there for you and who won't. Which can be sad sometimes. But that's life.

I told my best friend yesterday about everything that's been happening and I felt so guilty. So guilty that I didn't tell someone that would be there for me no matter what. So guilty for not wanting to be pitied. Not wanting to be the guy people stick around just because they pity him. But I should've known better. He called me a shitbag for not telling him! Haha. But more importantly, he offered me the courage and support I needed. That probably swayed certain decisions I made. It's probably gonna be a very painful next few months for me but I'll be strong. Strong for the people who really care, not only for myself.

$600. Day surgery clinic. Probably in 2-3 weeks. Preferred to go for the cheaper option since I wouldn't have to be admitted anyway, hopefully. The other option would've cost $1280 for pretty much the same thing, probably get a free day's stay with a golden toilet bowl too. Heh.

It's pretty sobering in a hangover-after-drinking-alot kind of way that life goes on everywhere else and how insignificant my problems could be perceived. This angry statement probably stems from the assumption that people I expect to care, don't. This doesn't take any value away from those who do. I really appreciate those who do. Thank you.

On a lighter note, I managed to finish my assignment on time despite my problems which I'm happy about. And I have another due on friday! I have thought about deferring or postponing these modules or deadlines but I'm no chicken and I'm not gonna take the easy way out unless bedridden. Heh.

On a totally random note, how often do people realise they are hypocrites? Not very often, from what I'm seen. People sure are complicated.

Last night I read about singapore's Advanced Medical Directive(AMD). For those who don't know, it's a legal document that you sign that in the even one becomes terminally ill or unconscious, extraordinary life-saving measures will not be taken to prolong one's life. No, I'm not thinking about signing it. Although I always thought I would when I was 13, wierd doesnt even to describe what I was doing thinking about it at the age of 13. While reading about it, I found that all the ethical issues related to it were very interesting. Personally if it was my time to go, I would like to do so on my terms, with dignity and in peace, just for argument's sake.

I wish for strength, my problems are nothing compared to what's happening everywhere else. My love will always be unconditional. That's the only way it will and should be.

Something's wrong

I deleted my previous post because I think I wasn't thinking straight. I don't usually feel afraid but when it comes to my own mortality, I have more than a vested interest. Something's really wrong and I can feel it in my bones. Having narrowly avoided a stay at the hospital, I think I should see my doctor again. I don't want to be pitied therefore I deleted that post. It would've generated more pity than I would've wanted. Almost told mummy but stopped myself. Thinking of all the emotional and financial repercussions she would have to burden, I am at a loss at what to do. I wanna tell her but yet I can't. I guess I can only comfort myself.

I'm scared. The most I've ever been.

When everything feels like the movies

Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive. - Stolen from Iris-Goo goo dolls.
My head's throbbing, my body aches and my soul needs a break.
It's 6.25am and it's been yet another long night of assignments, soccer and insomnia.

I'm no longer lazy to do my assignments, maybe what happened at MDIS was that I felt they were not worthy of me doing anything worthwhile for them. Ego problem. Anyway, finally I feel I am being challenged and I sure as hell am relishing it. Maybe that's what I really needed, a challenge. A personal one at that. A challenge to do so well that people will want to hire me. Everywhere I've gone, school-wise, I've always been accepted and liked. Ironically, on the job-front, it's been quite the opposite. Maybe it really is their fault, or maybe I need to tone down on the ego a little. I don't know, still yet to figure that one out.

I observe the people in class who work for the media and I know by now I should've been one of them. But silly me, being rebellious, lazy and downright stubborn some years before, I impeded my own path. And now I have to take a longer route. Same same, I try to convince myself. I yearn to be successful now and I wish I had realised this earlier. I welcome hardship instead of avoiding it like before. I guess it's just one of life's many little lessons. A close friend of mine commented that he'd always imagined I'd be a writer for a men's magazine. I have thought about it but nothing comes easy, especially in singapore. Somehow during my adolescence, I became disillusioned that by just telling people my name I would get everything I wanted. And this happened quite often, except with my parents, thank god. It's not that I had a lot going for me but perhaps it was the over-confidence I gave that got me further than others.

Now I want to be recognised by my scholarly works and academic transcripts more than anything else. My mind has been starved up till this point and the hunger it has for knowledge is insatiable. Utterly insatiable. The lecturers have been really impressed with my work thus far and I feel invigorated. They keep blowing up my ego by saying how creative I am and how I should be working for the media. Heh. I've never been one to be able to draw a perfect circle nor work out a complicated maths sum. I've always had a passion for writing and that is what I wanna do. Suddenly I know what to do with my life and I never even saw it coming.

I've been courting a bad habit of sleeping really late and I think I have insomnia. Are there any remedies for this? I don't want to be kept up so late every night, it gets tiring.

I hate when people can't pronounce my name. Wtf is scho-lo-mann?

Love and life are intertwined and they both work in mysterious ways.
I work in mysterious ways.
So therefore I am the love of your life.

Distorted syllogisms at 7am are a sign of brain abnormalities. Note to self.

I am going to JB on monday! Ramly burger spree!

What a night

I am finally sober and thought about deleting the previous post but it's against my principles. Last night was a blast dammit, it's been so long since I've been out like this. Kilkenny, Tiger and some amount of 2 jim beam bottles helped me along the way of course.

And then there was the matter of the 3 russian girls. I've always liked how east european women looked like but 2 of them were smoking hot. With their supermodel looks and their limited knowledge of english it was quite interesting. Since we knew them, they were naturally stealing our alcohol which i think didnt matter since every bloody guy in MOS was staring at them.

Here comes the interesting part. Later in the night, one of them accuses my best friend of calling her a prostitute and tried to slap him. Everyone was kinda drunk. Before that she was trying unsuccessfully to make out with me I might add. SLUT! HOE! People who weren't close to me kept asking what the hell was wrong with me. People who knew me, knew why I wouldn't do such a thing. I mean she was super hot and everything but my loyalties were elsewhere. This is the most interesting bit, later when she couldnt find him she grabbed me, put her face right up to mine and propositioned me. "If you tell me where your friend is, I promise I will give you the fuck of your life tonight." In a thick european accent. Frankly, it sent some tingles down my spine because no woman had ever spoken to me like that before.

So here it was, superhot model promising me a fuck if i gave up the location of my best friend. Simple choice, isn't it? I told her it was nice meeting you, and left dragging my drunk-ass best friend out of MOS. After that I never even thought about it or regretted it. I guess there's only person still on my mind regardless of what's going on or how difficult it is. Never been in my blood to cheat or do anything like that. Principles mean the world to me. Without them, you are never really ever gonna be a person that people respect.

And now it's the afternoon, I lost a lot fluid last night and blood this morning. I feel so weak. But at the same time I feel invigorated that I refused to sleep with that whore. My morals are lifting me up. Somehow I feel good. Seeing Brian and Cindy was good too. It reminded me of some fun times. Although I cant for the life of me imagine that Cindy thought that Elise was here and at MOS with me? She's not even here! Maybe there was something in the drinks that night.

I guess what happened last night was a life lesson for me. It showed me the person that I am and the kind of person that I should be with. Life works in mysterious ways.

P.S. Thanks for your msg Davi, my previous entry wasnt a cry for help or anything, it was just me being drunk at 5am in the morning but thank god i could still control myself even though I tried to type as properly as I could. Haha. Davi's a true friend! And daughter.

*UPDATE* Apparently this big black guy who was trying to fuck her by making friends with us succeeded. AND HE WAS THE ONE WHO ASKED IF SHE WAS A PROSTITUTE. So she probably construed everything wrongly. In the end he went back to her hotel with her. So I assume she must be an escort or prostitute of something because the only thing that black guy had going for him was his money. Money money money. It's a rich man's world.

I'm high

I'm high. I didnt want to drink as much as I did.

I went to MOS.
I saw Cindy and Brian.
Cindy asked whether I was at MOS with Elise.
I was at a loss for words.
Shouldn't she know if she was?
I don't k now what I''m sayinh here.
KI will probably regret what I did tomorrow but I dont care/
It's time for some honesty.

Apparently I've come to my senses.
I've much tp regret.
I'm sorry.I really am.
Slut.

Bye.

I've seen the light

I'm too exhausted to type out proper sentences.

First day of school was wonderful.
Beautiful women.
Germaine is a damn solid reason to go to class.
Lecturer was exactly like someone I had always wanted to impress.
Lecturer remembered my name first. Ha!
Some happening NP mass commers.
The emergency right before class almost ruined it all.
I feel proud at being able to lead older people.
I am no longer the slightest bit afraid of speaking in front of people.
I feel good that I'm able to understand what some others might not.
I am glad that I have previously been accustomed to an australian accent.
I like the interesting mix of people in class, seems like we have every type.
I like the fact that there doesnt seem to be anyone who's not interested in studying there.
Did I mention it feels good to lead older people? Haha.

Went to suntec.
Went for a drink at polleneurs.
Finally was able to talk to someone openly about all my feelings.
Convinced one of my best friends that that no matter what happened she would be the one.
Sang her praises.
Realised that I wasn't gonna hide anymore.
I knew what I had to do.
I knew it was the only way.
I didnt do it for myself, but for her.
I don't know which hurt more.

Time for a new direction.
Time for myself.
At least I know how I will treat myself.
Not horribly, that's for sure.
Time to appreciate people who give a damn.
Time to teach some others a lesson.
Actions have consequences.
And the consequences are different for everyone.

Nobody's perfect.
But sometimes on the rare occasion that you really love someone, those imperfections become part of that person's very perfection.
I hope you realise that.

Here we are.
Born to be kings.
I have never been so driven in my life.
I'm not going to compromise.
I will destroy anyone that stops me, unless I love them.
I know what I am going to become.
And it excites me.
It feels damn fucking good.

P.S. I am fiercely protective of the people close to me. They know who they are.