You give lust a bad name

I'd like to thank everyone around me who has stayed true and loyal to me, friends or otherwise. I shouldn't have to mention names cos you should know who you are, and if you're unsure you're probably not one of them. Even though I'm still a struggling student with little to my name, people who truly know me, know what I'm capable of. And I sure as hell am going to fulfill these expectations I have of myself. On that topic, I also know about those who were just in the shadows, pretending to care, thinking that I'd amount to nothing. I know who you are. The truth hurts though. Especially for one of these people. I thought she'd be the one who'd always support me unconditionally, but I've realised she's incapable of unconditional anything.

Talking to someone the other day, and giving advice like I always do, I told her not to stand for unreciprocrated love. In this day and age, something like that just tears you apart. So just let it go. The boyfriend/girlfriend will get their just desserts. Karma works in miraculous ways. Trust me, I know.

Career-wise it's looking quite exciting. I'm looking at opportunities in mainly dubai, australia and vietnam. Not in any particular order of course. Now let's see: been to canada, most south asian countries and australia. I wanna see the rest of the world. So it's a toss-up between doing honours, masters, etc and starting work and travelling. I prefer the latter. Now that I already know the kind of woman I want and need, countries and distances no longer have any bearing on my future. The world isn't that big. Distance can't destroy true love, only if it's true love though.

Places I'd realistically be able to travel to within the next 3 years: Australia, New Zealand, UK and Dubai.

Places I want to go to: Brazil, France, Italy and Hawaii. (Of which brazil is the most desirable)

Nothing's better than travelling with loved ones, so if anyone's itching for travelling, let me know ;)

Everybody changes and nothing stays the same

The only way I can go about describing today is through a chronological order. Woke up, prepared for buzzer's birthday at double o (yeah yeah same old). Wasn't feeling too well but decided to go anyway because I couldn't miss one of my bro's birthdays. Bought him a chocolate cake, which secretly I had hoped someone would get for my birthday. DEMANDING AH. Called Oli and then Jeff to explain my absence. Persuaded Oli to meet me. Told Jeff what was going on in my life and was assured that everything would be okay. His preaching is quite good man.

Went to double o, cake in hand, met up with the fellas. Was grimacing in pain but it got better as the night wore on. Starting the night off very slowly, as advised by doctors, drinking was at a minimal for me tonight. Hung out with everyone, annoyingly, noting how much of a sausage-fest it was becoming. Bleah. Made Buzzer offer me cake cos I am the King. The cake was gooood. Went to meet Arul and Oli at UE Square. An exchange of personal information regarding situations in our life started. We bared our souls, albeit over a can of beer. Glad that these are the only people I chose to be close with in school. Oli, Jeff and Arul, these were people with character and for that I will always respect them. I like to have few friends, hence, their selection is very strict. Oli looked so fragile and puny due to the shrinkage of her butt. Will the world ever recover? I don't know. Arul, you'll be alright, NS is just another phase of life, I'm confident you will become a better man out of it, even though at first it may be tough. Oli, if I didn't know better, I'd think you were ill, I miss your radiant personality, you deserve to be happy.

Went back to double o, the queue was a bitch with syphillis. Almost 45 mins to go back in. When we went in, it came to my attention buzzer had drunk at least 4 waterfalls and many other various drinks. He was standing, barely. Ray and Chai had joined the foray. The night turned into 'drunk mungen night'. Buzz was gone, so was seb. Fucking pissed off with the way buzzer's army mates bought him way too many drinks and got him so wasted. Not only that, they proceeded to slap him around and various other childish activities, like humping him and taking photos of it. How I wanted to step in and smash all their faces. Kanina nobody fucks around with one of my own. When I decided to step in, buzzer slapped me. Cheebye anyhow slap your hero. Buzz was damn drunk and he was saying and doing a lot of funny and dangerous shit. I got afraid he would get kicked out. One of these events was us bringing him to the toilet for him to puke. He promptly locked himself inside and proceeded to kick and punch the walls of the toilets. Then after that, he kept insisting the door was spoilt and that he couldnt get out. Even though it was apparent to all it wasn't unlocked. One of his friends climbed in and unlocked it from the inside as soon as he got in. Hilarious lah. I shall spare him the embarrassment by omitting all his other acts.

Highlight of the day: Some random girl going up to a drunk and listless buzzer and slapping him over and over again. CHAO CHEEBYE. Blood rushed to my head. Grabbed the girl and told her to fuck off, to put it nicely. I was so angry! Just because he's gone everyone thinks they can just fuck around with him? No fucking way. No one touches one of my own. Shortly after, I apologised because I rarely ever shout at women, if at all. I explained my anger and she laughed it off. No enemies were made. Still, I re-iterate, no one touches one of my own. I am fiercely protective.

The night ended as usual, all the attached guys standing together and making fun of the various freaky skanks. Where are all the good looking women? I know one is in melbourne. Your loss, Singapore. Then this tequila girl called Angie, and her friend spent about 5 mins trying to talk me into buying a shot. Now, I dunno how she even knows my name or me for that matter, but trying to get me to buy a shot for no good reason would be barking up the wrong tree. Perhaps if the missus was around. She told me she knows me so long already, why can't I just buy one? Well one reason would because this is the first time you've ever talked to me, considering that you call me an 'old friend'. And then trying to get me to buy one, so that they can drink it. For fuck? I was clearly amused since nothing they could say or offer me would ever even prod me in the direction of buying from them. Hilarious.

All in all it was fun, and buzz you shouldn't have to be sorry, we still had fun. Just hope you don't wake up with a throbbing headache.

I wish you were here. Almost everything I do seems incomplete, without the missing element, which is you. Selfishly, I'd sometimes wish that I could kidnap you. Realistically, just a whiff of your scent and a glimpse of your beautiful eyes should send me to the heavens. I miss you baboo and I love you even more.

Pain ah

For the benefit of those who wish to know what a colonoscopy is, here is a brief explanation:-
http://digestive.niddk.nih.gov/ddiseases/pubs/colonoscopy/

Curveballs

When life throws you a curveball, what do you do?

Getting depressed and resigned to fate is one option. The other option, which is somewhat harder, is to muster whatever strength and spirit is left to do something about it. I guess also when times are bad you know who will be there for you and who won't. Which can be sad sometimes. But that's life.

I told my best friend yesterday about everything that's been happening and I felt so guilty. So guilty that I didn't tell someone that would be there for me no matter what. So guilty for not wanting to be pitied. Not wanting to be the guy people stick around just because they pity him. But I should've known better. He called me a shitbag for not telling him! Haha. But more importantly, he offered me the courage and support I needed. That probably swayed certain decisions I made. It's probably gonna be a very painful next few months for me but I'll be strong. Strong for the people who really care, not only for myself.

$600. Day surgery clinic. Probably in 2-3 weeks. Preferred to go for the cheaper option since I wouldn't have to be admitted anyway, hopefully. The other option would've cost $1280 for pretty much the same thing, probably get a free day's stay with a golden toilet bowl too. Heh.

It's pretty sobering in a hangover-after-drinking-alot kind of way that life goes on everywhere else and how insignificant my problems could be perceived. This angry statement probably stems from the assumption that people I expect to care, don't. This doesn't take any value away from those who do. I really appreciate those who do. Thank you.

On a lighter note, I managed to finish my assignment on time despite my problems which I'm happy about. And I have another due on friday! I have thought about deferring or postponing these modules or deadlines but I'm no chicken and I'm not gonna take the easy way out unless bedridden. Heh.

On a totally random note, how often do people realise they are hypocrites? Not very often, from what I'm seen. People sure are complicated.

Last night I read about singapore's Advanced Medical Directive(AMD). For those who don't know, it's a legal document that you sign that in the even one becomes terminally ill or unconscious, extraordinary life-saving measures will not be taken to prolong one's life. No, I'm not thinking about signing it. Although I always thought I would when I was 13, wierd doesnt even to describe what I was doing thinking about it at the age of 13. While reading about it, I found that all the ethical issues related to it were very interesting. Personally if it was my time to go, I would like to do so on my terms, with dignity and in peace, just for argument's sake.

I wish for strength, my problems are nothing compared to what's happening everywhere else. My love will always be unconditional. That's the only way it will and should be.

Something's wrong

I deleted my previous post because I think I wasn't thinking straight. I don't usually feel afraid but when it comes to my own mortality, I have more than a vested interest. Something's really wrong and I can feel it in my bones. Having narrowly avoided a stay at the hospital, I think I should see my doctor again. I don't want to be pitied therefore I deleted that post. It would've generated more pity than I would've wanted. Almost told mummy but stopped myself. Thinking of all the emotional and financial repercussions she would have to burden, I am at a loss at what to do. I wanna tell her but yet I can't. I guess I can only comfort myself.

I'm scared. The most I've ever been.

When everything feels like the movies

Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive. - Stolen from Iris-Goo goo dolls.
My head's throbbing, my body aches and my soul needs a break.
It's 6.25am and it's been yet another long night of assignments, soccer and insomnia.

I'm no longer lazy to do my assignments, maybe what happened at MDIS was that I felt they were not worthy of me doing anything worthwhile for them. Ego problem. Anyway, finally I feel I am being challenged and I sure as hell am relishing it. Maybe that's what I really needed, a challenge. A personal one at that. A challenge to do so well that people will want to hire me. Everywhere I've gone, school-wise, I've always been accepted and liked. Ironically, on the job-front, it's been quite the opposite. Maybe it really is their fault, or maybe I need to tone down on the ego a little. I don't know, still yet to figure that one out.

I observe the people in class who work for the media and I know by now I should've been one of them. But silly me, being rebellious, lazy and downright stubborn some years before, I impeded my own path. And now I have to take a longer route. Same same, I try to convince myself. I yearn to be successful now and I wish I had realised this earlier. I welcome hardship instead of avoiding it like before. I guess it's just one of life's many little lessons. A close friend of mine commented that he'd always imagined I'd be a writer for a men's magazine. I have thought about it but nothing comes easy, especially in singapore. Somehow during my adolescence, I became disillusioned that by just telling people my name I would get everything I wanted. And this happened quite often, except with my parents, thank god. It's not that I had a lot going for me but perhaps it was the over-confidence I gave that got me further than others.

Now I want to be recognised by my scholarly works and academic transcripts more than anything else. My mind has been starved up till this point and the hunger it has for knowledge is insatiable. Utterly insatiable. The lecturers have been really impressed with my work thus far and I feel invigorated. They keep blowing up my ego by saying how creative I am and how I should be working for the media. Heh. I've never been one to be able to draw a perfect circle nor work out a complicated maths sum. I've always had a passion for writing and that is what I wanna do. Suddenly I know what to do with my life and I never even saw it coming.

I've been courting a bad habit of sleeping really late and I think I have insomnia. Are there any remedies for this? I don't want to be kept up so late every night, it gets tiring.

I hate when people can't pronounce my name. Wtf is scho-lo-mann?

Love and life are intertwined and they both work in mysterious ways.
I work in mysterious ways.
So therefore I am the love of your life.

Distorted syllogisms at 7am are a sign of brain abnormalities. Note to self.

I am going to JB on monday! Ramly burger spree!

What a night

I am finally sober and thought about deleting the previous post but it's against my principles. Last night was a blast dammit, it's been so long since I've been out like this. Kilkenny, Tiger and some amount of 2 jim beam bottles helped me along the way of course.

And then there was the matter of the 3 russian girls. I've always liked how east european women looked like but 2 of them were smoking hot. With their supermodel looks and their limited knowledge of english it was quite interesting. Since we knew them, they were naturally stealing our alcohol which i think didnt matter since every bloody guy in MOS was staring at them.

Here comes the interesting part. Later in the night, one of them accuses my best friend of calling her a prostitute and tried to slap him. Everyone was kinda drunk. Before that she was trying unsuccessfully to make out with me I might add. SLUT! HOE! People who weren't close to me kept asking what the hell was wrong with me. People who knew me, knew why I wouldn't do such a thing. I mean she was super hot and everything but my loyalties were elsewhere. This is the most interesting bit, later when she couldnt find him she grabbed me, put her face right up to mine and propositioned me. "If you tell me where your friend is, I promise I will give you the fuck of your life tonight." In a thick european accent. Frankly, it sent some tingles down my spine because no woman had ever spoken to me like that before.

So here it was, superhot model promising me a fuck if i gave up the location of my best friend. Simple choice, isn't it? I told her it was nice meeting you, and left dragging my drunk-ass best friend out of MOS. After that I never even thought about it or regretted it. I guess there's only person still on my mind regardless of what's going on or how difficult it is. Never been in my blood to cheat or do anything like that. Principles mean the world to me. Without them, you are never really ever gonna be a person that people respect.

And now it's the afternoon, I lost a lot fluid last night and blood this morning. I feel so weak. But at the same time I feel invigorated that I refused to sleep with that whore. My morals are lifting me up. Somehow I feel good. Seeing Brian and Cindy was good too. It reminded me of some fun times. Although I cant for the life of me imagine that Cindy thought that Elise was here and at MOS with me? She's not even here! Maybe there was something in the drinks that night.

I guess what happened last night was a life lesson for me. It showed me the person that I am and the kind of person that I should be with. Life works in mysterious ways.

P.S. Thanks for your msg Davi, my previous entry wasnt a cry for help or anything, it was just me being drunk at 5am in the morning but thank god i could still control myself even though I tried to type as properly as I could. Haha. Davi's a true friend! And daughter.

*UPDATE* Apparently this big black guy who was trying to fuck her by making friends with us succeeded. AND HE WAS THE ONE WHO ASKED IF SHE WAS A PROSTITUTE. So she probably construed everything wrongly. In the end he went back to her hotel with her. So I assume she must be an escort or prostitute of something because the only thing that black guy had going for him was his money. Money money money. It's a rich man's world.

I'm high

I'm high. I didnt want to drink as much as I did.

I went to MOS.
I saw Cindy and Brian.
Cindy asked whether I was at MOS with Elise.
I was at a loss for words.
Shouldn't she know if she was?
I don't k now what I''m sayinh here.
KI will probably regret what I did tomorrow but I dont care/
It's time for some honesty.

Apparently I've come to my senses.
I've much tp regret.
I'm sorry.I really am.
Slut.

Bye.

I've seen the light

I'm too exhausted to type out proper sentences.

First day of school was wonderful.
Beautiful women.
Germaine is a damn solid reason to go to class.
Lecturer was exactly like someone I had always wanted to impress.
Lecturer remembered my name first. Ha!
Some happening NP mass commers.
The emergency right before class almost ruined it all.
I feel proud at being able to lead older people.
I am no longer the slightest bit afraid of speaking in front of people.
I feel good that I'm able to understand what some others might not.
I am glad that I have previously been accustomed to an australian accent.
I like the interesting mix of people in class, seems like we have every type.
I like the fact that there doesnt seem to be anyone who's not interested in studying there.
Did I mention it feels good to lead older people? Haha.

Went to suntec.
Went for a drink at polleneurs.
Finally was able to talk to someone openly about all my feelings.
Convinced one of my best friends that that no matter what happened she would be the one.
Sang her praises.
Realised that I wasn't gonna hide anymore.
I knew what I had to do.
I knew it was the only way.
I didnt do it for myself, but for her.
I don't know which hurt more.

Time for a new direction.
Time for myself.
At least I know how I will treat myself.
Not horribly, that's for sure.
Time to appreciate people who give a damn.
Time to teach some others a lesson.
Actions have consequences.
And the consequences are different for everyone.

Nobody's perfect.
But sometimes on the rare occasion that you really love someone, those imperfections become part of that person's very perfection.
I hope you realise that.

Here we are.
Born to be kings.
I have never been so driven in my life.
I'm not going to compromise.
I will destroy anyone that stops me, unless I love them.
I know what I am going to become.
And it excites me.
It feels damn fucking good.

P.S. I am fiercely protective of the people close to me. They know who they are.