Inner Sanctuary

Hey Timbo! Happy birthday! No I didnt forget. Hope you have an unforgettable one with Rach!

Somehow my cash-flow problem has improved and it feels good! Looks like my year trips will be materialising after all.

I'm sure some of you out there wonder if there's another person out there who is almost exactly like you. I think I've found a female version of me. Haha. Quite funny actually. But from first impressions, I was quite shocked. Me and my big ego thought that there would only be one of me. But now I know what a female version of me would be like. Very very interesting indeed.

I hope I find a big tree tomorrow at sentosa. I have an aversion to the sun due to various vain reasons.

On a totally random note, how many people deliberately play mind games with the opposite sex? But I guess 'The Chase' would not be half as interesting without such mind games. Maybe it has evolved as part of the whole modern courtship process. Or maybe we're just too smart for our good and making things too complicated.

And as I poised myself to say goodbye, I could tell that she was holding something back. Maybe I will find out in the coming weeks. This opportunity is too good to pass up. But sadly, I'm in no condition to do anything. Only time will tell.

P.S. How's everyone doing? Keep in touch!

Power

The power to create.
The power to destroy.
The power to leave well alone.

It's nice to have power. Even nicer to control it. But power in the wrong hands will always be dangerous. Especially when all our lives intertwine so much.

Currently I live by the power to create and the power to leave well alone.

The power to destroy calls to me constantly. Maybe one day I will heed its call. Till then I will just remain sane and pretend to be good. Pretend till the shit hits the fan.

Was walking around today and realised how many fat people there were. I reckon obesity is fast engulfing the world. Both genders are guilty of course. I blame it on the food. And pure laziness. Or maybe even stupidity in not realising how obesity would get them killed quicker. Oh well, to each his own.

A friend of mine and I were having a debate about 'fat sluts' and their agendas. Do women have an equivalent term for guys? I wonder. Anyway, we were talking about how they threw themselves at guys. I mean, even if that's the only way they can get some, should they be doing it? Oh well, to each his own.

And as the angel left her side, he waved goodbye one last time. He wasn't going to be part of this anymore. The devil smiled. One more ticket to hell. One-way.

The grass is less green on the other side

Tales of unrequited love were always foreign to me. More often that not, I would be the culprit. And as such, I didn't even realise until too late. Or maybe I didn't care. Or just maybe I thought that things would be better this way. I guess karma has gotten back at me. I didn't use to believe in karma until now. For me, karma is the explanation given when everything else doesn't make sense.

For months now I have been trying my utmost to understand. Everything from books to others' experiences. I believe I must be an expert by now. But strangely, when things hit this close to home, feelings get in the way. No longer do I have that cold steely ability to differentiate between fending for myself and caring for others. I tried so hard to understand how I could be the one you love and yet, the bane of your torture. I guess that is what tore me apart. The feeling of how you want to help someone you love so much but she won't even look at you. Not even a glimpse.

Some of those around me wonder why I'm so affected. Well, I can't stress enough how much she means to me. This isn't just a foolish love. Its waters run much deeper than that. I can't just simply forget what happened. I could however forgive. But not forget.

Everynight I lie in bed and wonder what I could do. Whether there was anything I should be doing. Any way possible to help. Not just so that she'd be with me, but more importantly, I just wanted to make her better again. I know I'm not the only one who wants that for her. I'm glad that she has the friends that she does. People like that do make a difference. I would do anything to ease her pain. If only I knew what it was.

Now all I can do is take solace in loving her from afar. Unrequited love can be painful at first. But when the smoke subsides and everything dies down, then your true feelings will be known.

I have no doubts about how long I will love her. It just cannot be explained. Forever is a true possibility.

Honestly, I've tried to forget her. Tried to stop loving her. But the only thing that happened was the opposite. I guess love has no boundaries for me.

Like how I told her a few nights' ago, I know what I must do. For it is the only thing I haven't tried. If you really love someone, you've gotta let them go. If they come back to you, you'd know it was meant to be. Personally I don't believe in that. But what choice do I have?

I never have and will never force her to do anything.

This may well be where our journey reaches a fork in the road my dear. I just hope we meet somewhere in the middle again.

Now here's a cheesy favourite of mine to explain how I feel. Heh. Pretty much explains it all.

She's always on my mind
From the time I wake till
I close my eyes
She's everywhere I go
She's all I know

And though she's far away
It just keeps gettin stronger everyday
And even now she's gone
I'm still holding on
So tell me where do I start
Cause it's breaking my heart
Don't wanna let her go

Maybe my love will come
Back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and
Pray 'cause heaven knows

My friends keep tellin me
That if you really love her
You've gotta set her free
And if she returns in kind
I know she's mine

So tell me where do I start
Cause it breaking my heart
Don't wanna let her go
Maybe my love will come
Back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and
Pray 'cause heaven knows

Why I live in despair'
Cause wide oway or
Dreaming I know she's never there
And all this time I act so brave
I'm shaking inside
Why it does hurt me so

Rick Price - Heaven Knows

P.S. Another appointment tomorrow, sob.

Best surprise!

Was supposed to bum around aimlessly yesterday.
But out of the blue, I was informed I had to attend the ColdPlay concert.
At first I was in disbelief.
But sure enough there we were on our way to ColdPlay.
Best surprise ever, bro. I'll never ever forget it.
Kudos to Andrea too.

While I did love ColdPlay, I must admit I didn't know all their songs. You know, only the popular ones. But by the end of the night, I was won over totally. Best concert I've ever been to in my life. I'm sure all those who went will agree. They were so friendly, humble and yet had a playful air about them. Finally! A band who sounded good in real life. Everything was perfect. I couldn't have asked for anything more. I was literally floating in the air. For one and a half hours, I was in a state of nirvana.

For a while, I forgot my troubles.

I'd just like to know for one last time, how it'll be like to hold you. To smell your hair once more. To call you baboo. To tell you, I love you. And to look into the eyes of the love of my life. It's all I constantly think about.

Some might call this a sign of weakness. I call it being human.

Nothing could ever compare to you baby. Nothing.


When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below
when you're too in love to let it go
If you never try you'll never know
Just what your worth

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears streaming down your face and I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

- Fix You, ColdPlay

Metamorphosis

Tonight I changed.
Changed into the monster I had to become to endure this amount of torture and pain.
My eyes turned blood red.
My heart turned jet black.
Vile green liquid now courses through my frigid veins.
And I had transformed into my own avatar of vengeance.
My hardened skin pushed out the proverbial knife in my back.
Leaving a scar that would forever be a constant reminder.
I bite my lip to make sure I don't feel pain anymore. I don't.
Now my mind, removed of any guilt and remorse, conceptualizes a plan.
I climb upside down on my ceiling. Notice how the laws of gravity no longer affect me, just like how I have deserted my own human nature.
I smile with my jagged teeth at the ease of your potential pain.
I breathe out heavily. It didn't have to come to this. But you have forced the issue.
I chuckle at the last remnant of my conscience.
It wont be there for long.
I blend into the night, with only one thing on my mind.
First blood has been drawn.
But it is not I who will be bled dry.


Lies, Deceit and Hypocrisy.

Those are the traits I would carve on your gravestone.
Too many nights have been spent trying to decipher your false words.
Too many nights I have been seduced by a siren, like the sailors that have been led to their watery graves.
Too long have I laid my bare heart on the stainless steel table, only for it to be sliced apart, over and over again.
Where once stood my queen, stands her ghost.
A vile, subverted version of her.
Tongue of poison, eyes that glimmer like a shark.
Your ghost shall be exorcised, your time has run out.
Be gone, vile serpent. Your end will mirror mine.

I am the Avatar of Vengeance.
You reap what you sow.

No time to think

So many things to do, so little time.
Another goddamn deadline tomorrow.
Finding it hard to concentrate too.
Too many things on my mind.

I can't deal with so many things at the same time.
One thing at a time, and I wont fall apart.
It's the only way I can handle things now.
Taken to drinking at least 3 shots a day.
Keeps me on my toes.

I hope Italy wins tonight. I dont like either team, but I hate germany more.
Back to work I go.
I wish I was on an isolated island with my laptop.
Sometimes I wonder if I've begun to hear voices in my head.

P.S. My heartfelt condolences go out to Jeff.

Elimination

Portugal triumphs, but of course, it is because I support them.
Strange how exes seem to want to contact me more than others I expect to.
France eliminates a lacklustre Brazil, which just proves to everyone: nothing is certain, no matter how perfect it is. Heh.

I've gone out to drink more than I should. Less than my body can take. But more than is advised. Perhaps I know how significant today is. It's been so long since I had a deliberate reason to drink.

So many times I've been asked today, "What time is she coming back?"
7 different people, 12 different times.
My head feels like exploding.
I don't know. I don't fucking know. Stop asking me. STOP!
I regret lashing out at those I love, just because I don't know. Sorry.

I will live these next two weeks in the solace of silence and denial.
And I have every right to.
To do this to me is simply too much.
Those with bias will just simply be blinded.
But not for long of course.
The truth is there for all to see.

I am real.
I am true.
And my love for you does not just vanish on demand.
This is the stuff that dreams are made of.
I cannot be forgotten.
I will not be forgotten.
Just like how it is impossible to forget you.
Every single day, I remember.
I remember when the 'I love yous' were real.
I remember.

Maybe you should just kill me.
Then no one will suffer.
No one will remember.
And you can pretend your life is normal again.
How far has pretending got you?
It won't get you anywhere.

Deny all you want.

But I am your love.

Love, me.

Goodbye Cruel World

I cant take it anymore.
I feel there's no hope.
My future is a minefield.
I've given up.

KIDDING!

I'm going out tonight! Go portugal! Go! Viva la Portugal!

Goodbye cruel world!

I've gone mad!

-Edit- I've had 10 tequila shots in 15 mins! =))))))))))))))))))))))))))